For 44 years you have given me the most memorable times of my life that any son could possibly hope for.
I still can't believe that you're no longer with us Mum, and I can't let you go, each and every day I find the tears welling up with every constant thought I have of you.
You were the bravest most heroic, most unselfish lady I have ever known in my entire life, you always put everyone else before yourself and always went out of your way to help people when there were numerous times you should have put yourself first.
Now I find myself asking questions to which only you had the answer Mum, why did you have to go, why after so many years of caring for others should you have been struck down by such a harsh and cruel illness that you never ever deserved?
The pain of you not being in our lives is overwhelming and heart breaking, I constantly find myself welling up at work thinking of all the wonderful memories you provided us with, the laughter, the hugs, the kisses and the simple fact that everyone you came into contact with loved you for the warm and gracious lady that you were, you blessed our lives and all those that you met and we are forever and eternally grateful to you Mum.
If there were a way in this life to change things, to bring you back from this "nightmare" scenario of not getting to be a part of your life and vice versa I would gladly do it, life is unmistakably cruel and vindictive.
I miss everything about you Mum and not getting to chat to you at the weekends like we did all those years is something I can't get to grips with, I miss your voice, like a simple "put the kettle on love" makes me want to just cry out in anguish for hours on end to no avail.
Losing you is like losing my heart and soul, you were such a huge part of my life even with all those miles between us - distance never stopped us being in touch with each other and at certain times of the year it never stopped us visiting each other.
All that is gone now, all the joy and pleasure you brought into my life and vice versa feels like a flower crushed in half, the life force slowly draining away to nothingness.
I want to thank you for being the most wonderful mother that you were, the most understanding and most caring Mum any son or daughter could ever hope or dream for.
I never said "goodbye" to you on that morning because I didn't want to think of it as the last time we would ever see or speak to each other, that's why I said I had to go home for a while and that I'd see you again - that to me isn't a goodbye, it's just a way of saying we'll be together again one day.
I Miss You like crazy Mum and I love you with all my heart and soul, I'm fighting back the tears now but the tears are ever persistent and won't cease, I wonder to myself if they will ever cease or if this is simply a good thing, a way to never ever forget how good a person you were that could bring me to be so unhappy and to miss you so much, a way to always think positive things about you, all the great memories we shared.
I miss the times we spent at the beach house, you feeding the seagulls and running inside the house when they swarmed around you, or the times you just loved to sit outside on the back deck and watching the local wildlife roaming around freely without a care in the World even though you were constantly watching them just to ensure they didn't get too close.
I wish we could have had another 44 years together Mum, it feels like they were over in the blink of an eye, I feel so lost without you, offering words of advice or words of comfort - you excelled at both.
Did you wait for me to let you know I had to return home before taking that one last sleep?
Perhaps waiting those extra couple of days just to see if I was really gone and to see if I would surprise you one morning by showing up early to feed you a yoghurt or something similar? I'll never ever know.
Each and every day I came to visit you at the care home, the carers always told me that you had mentioned me to them just moments earlier and that brought a huge smile to my face knowing that although you were undoubtedly in pain and on medication you were still able to talk to them about me.
I wish there were a way to bring you back Mum, to have eased your pain and made you strong again, to look forward to the trips overseas and the visits to each other, how I long for those days again.
I don't and can't understand how a lady like yourself who cared for so many people over the years had to endure so much pain and misery this last year the way you did, you may well have hid some of it from us but to what extent you knew the grim truth I'll never know, the phone call you made to me to say you were winning the battle - was that true?
Did you believe that yourself or were you putting on a brave face so as not to worry me?
I'll never ever know.
What I do know Mum is that you were a hero to me, a warrior that although in the end you may have lost the battle but you gave it a fight that only you could have given, you always will have my utmost respect and pride for you Mum, how many ladies at 74 get on a transatlantic flight just to visit and be with their son and daughter in law?
Truly inspirational in every way, shape and form, you'll always be the greatest Mum in the World to me and I long for the day when you'll find me and take me with you to be reunited once again as a happy family should always be.
God bless you Mum, sweet dreams forever, and goodnight beautiful angel !!
Every time I stare into the sky at night and glance from star to star I'll think to myself that one of those - the brightest one no less, is you looking down at me and smiling and telling me, "It's ok son, we'll be together one day, keep smiling".
Talk to you soon Mum xxx
Your ever loving son that misses you with so much heart ache and anguish and despair,
Jonathan xxx
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