Amma - Enduring Memories of My Mother Forever Etched in My Heart
To my family and friends - near and dear, and all who loved my amazing Amma (mother), please understand the following words are both a tribute from a daughter and in some ways a catharsis for my unbearable loss and guilt for not being within touching distance during Amma's time of need and being unable to hold her in her dying moments.
I also want my grandchildren and their issues to read this one day and know my mother.
Our beloved Amma passed away on the 22nd of November in the UK. When your mother who carried you for nine months, and loved you like no other, is no more, it feels like part of you has been taken from you.
I knew it was coming. I knew it was time for her to go. But the pain of losing your mother is much like a stabbing pain in the heart, regardless. As I sat in my home, in Toronto, Canada and her loss sunk in, a sense of relief came over me. I think my mother's body was giving up on her. That is what the doctors believed. It was my belief too. The time had come for her to go.
I was blessed in that I was able to tell Amma I love her, in her ear, as she lay in hospital, with my brother Manu and sister Uttarai by her bedside. And before I knew it, like a person Inspired, I was chanting the Mahāmrityunjaya Mantra to her through Facetime - I was in fact invoking, in Sanskrit, the highest divine power there is, through the phone - the Hindu invocation to Lord Siva in essence reads like this: "Lift me - from darkness to light, from bondage to liberation, from death to immortality." Looking back that was indeed a profound moment for me.
Incredibly, I later saw Amma breathe her last - thanks to Uttarai - It so happened, just as Amma was breathing her last, my sister called on the phone again on facetime; she was elated Amma had opened her eyes and looked at her. It was divine will that I was there in my Amma's final moments albeit virtually. I am ever grateful to my sister for what she did. I am blown away that I would be so blessed; I saw for myself, yet again, God's grace and compassion in action.
It's been a few days since Amma passed. Memories of Amma come flooding in, memories that will be etched in my heart forever.
Understandably I am going through mixed emotions - of unbearable loss and pain; those feelings of inadequacy because of lost opportunities and of not doing more for my mother; those feelings also of immense gratitude for all the sacrifices Amma made for us and for the love she poured on us: also pride for her generosity to her children that never ceased even after we'd grown up; that extended to friends, relatives and people in need. I can't forget the time she gifted the palatial house her father built to me when I married.
Feelings of deep sadness also overcome me when I think of what she endured having lost her father, Kasipathipillai Ponnusamy at 9 years, who adored her, she used to always say, her early marriage and the difficulties she suffered - then for a moment my heart swells with joy when sweet memories of my childhood come to me in bright flashes, growing up with Amma and my Aiyah (father), Manunayagam Coomaraswamy, my Ammamma (my maternal grandmother), Kanthimathy Ponnusamy, my Sinnamma, (my grand aunt), Kanakamathy and Elaiaiyah, Sanagarajah (granduncle), my maternal uncles – Surendra Ponnusamy and Devendra Ponnusamy.
I remember her late brother, Ganendra, Rajah mama to us - how dear he was to her. I remember our great grandfather, Pethaiyah as he was referred to and revered by us all. He was talked of almost every day in our extended family home, although I wasn’t born when he passed. He was the Patriarch of the family and a source of strength to my grandmother - a young widow, and to my mother and uncles.
Amma went to Ladies College, Colombo and as a young mother and wife attended the famous Kathleen School of Dress Making, Ceylon and excelled in sewing; while in Norwood where Aiyah was posted as an 'executive engineer', she used to teach others, the proper meticulous art of dressmaking: teaching measuring, block and pattern making and how to do fit-ons; I wish I knew where her sewing scrap books are, just to relive those moments. She used to sew lovely dresses for me - beautiful party dresses that I can remember so vividly, they are in front of my eyes! She also knitted. Amma made delicious butter sponge cakes, love cakes and rich fruitcakes, sandwiches and short-eats; the layer sandwiches were my favourite - I can't forget the parties we had growing up.
I remember too the tough times Amma went through bringing us up, her children, four boys and two girls – Manu, Mohan, Mathan, Mayan, myself and Uttarai; and losing her 6th child, my baby brother, Mani, at infancy due to a congenital heart defect; I remember her anguish over the health and education of us, her children, and to see us do well; I feel deeply when I think of her own personal life and my father dying with her by his side - there was no denying she was in part behind my father's career successes as a civil engineer and rise to the top - and later my brothers would say she was behind their successes too.
I am in awe - when I recall her determination and sheer willpower that drove her to achieve great things - that made her take up nursing at a late age – working and retiring as a District Nurse in the NHS (UK National Health Service), and later serving as Director and Nurse Administrator of Care Homes of Distinction Ltd., in UK - owned and operated by my brother Manu - and pride and awe too when she was the recipient of the coveted, 'Nurse of the Year' award for 2009 from the Surrey Care Association.
From a housewife, Amma became a professional, caring for the sick and the elderly, driving her own car and owning houses both in the UK and back home in Ceylon, never depending on anyone. I remember Amma's love for plants and the way she cared for them, a trait I see in myself. She learned to swim at fifty, became a vegetarian and travelled a lot to Australia, Malaysia, Canada, India, Philippines, Europe and Ceylon.
I am overwhelmed when I remember how devastated Amma was when she lost her youngest and 4th son, my brother, Mayan. She was inconsolable, but she suppressed a lot of her grief - wondering inside why she still lived when he was gone; overwhelmed too, when I remember when she was stricken with cancer and had a mastectomy - all of which I strongly feel led to her getting Alzheimer’s disease in her last years. It breaks my heart that we lost another brother, Mathan, her 3rd son, only in January this year, to cancer - theirs was a bond so close, I feel Amma has joined Mathan.
I have huge regrets that it was too late for me to share what I know about Yoga with Amma before she developed Alzheimer’s. I am troubled by guilt that I was far away and didn't take pains and wasn't near enough to look after her - although she was so well looked after by Manu and Nicola and their dedicated staff at the Rutland Care Home where she was resident in her last years; gratitude is what I feel for the kind hearts who looked after her in her most vulnerable years.
Amma was blessed with 15 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren.
What brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart, which I will never forget, is her special way of kissing - where she puts her nose on the body and inhales - you could feel her love in that instant.
The thought that Amma is no more is heart-breaking but I am also at peace that she is in a good place now and through the power of meditation and prayer I can and will pray for her - it's a great feeling of strength that comes from Yoga and my deep faith - a reassurance that her soul will merge with the Supreme towards moksham or mukti: the release from the cycle of birth and death - emancipation, also known as self-realization - and my prayers would endure throughout.
Usha S Sri Skanda Rajah
Daughter
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