Caroline Jayne Banton (11 Jul 1963 - 27 Dec 2017)

In loving memory of Caroline Jayne Banton who sadly passed away on 27th December 2017, aged 54 years.

No flowers please but donations for MacMillan Cancer Support may be sent direct to the charity or made on-line via this site

Caroline was a very special person. An exceptional person.

To me, she was the very best person. I can say this with confidence, because this is completely subjective. Caroline being the very best person for me detracts in no way from whoever each of you consider to be the best person.

Some people can be extraordinary in what they achieve, but be rather mundane in their personality. Caroline was the opposite. She did not achieve wealth or fame, but was extraordinary in her personality. In fact, her lack of pretension or desire for status or ostentation meant that she was without artifice or conceit. That is, in the most positive of senses, she was humble and modest.

Her qualities lay in her approach to life, her attitude and how she was with others. In particular, her ability to view and treat everyone as an individual, with no preconceptions based on their various identities.

Moreover, she was someone who saw the good in people. And thus she was always a pleasure to be with, because she was not one to dwell on the negative.

I cannot claim to know everything about Caroline, for I did not meet her until her late 20s. Thus it will be others who can describe her childhood, and her twenties, when she was married to her first husband.

Of course, Caroline talked to me at length about aspects of those times. But whatever she conveyed can not be compared to the understanding of those who lived through those years with her. And thus I hope that anyone who has greater knowledge than I is forgiving of any mistakes I make regarding those times.

For it can be said, and this is my own view, that you really come to know someone from how they react to adversity. And Caroline had more than her fair share of that. And how she deported herself during her difficulties are a true mark of exactly what a great person she was.

Indeed, it was due to one of these periods of adversity that we even met. For this is hardly the most romantic story you will ever hear, yet it was our reality, and thus a fact to be acknowledged.

As Caroline’s first marriage broke down, she found herself with a number of debts, and a new house with a mortgage suffering significant negative equity. In short, she was in a very difficult situation. But it was a situation which she bore with all her typical grace and equanimity. And part of her response to finding herself in financial difficulty, with a house with spare bedrooms, was to advertise for a lodger. And that was how we met. I answered that advert and became her lodger.

We quickly became friends, partly because our different situations both leant themselves to staying in the house, where we talked. But what was noticeable about Caroline in her describing how her difficulties had come about, was the lack of bitterness, and lack of animosity for those she considered responsible.

But of all the stories I can relate from the start of our relationship, one in particular stands out in my memory. We both liked to go on walks, and Caroline had previously been part of a Rambling Club. So Caroline dug out one of these walks for us to go on. At one point in this walk there was a footpath, where the path was overgrown with nettles. Given the weather, we both were wearing shorts, and so it was not easy to negotiate the nettles. Was Caroline upset or anxious? No, she found the whole episode hilarious. Instead of the nettles being a problem, they were merely the start of something enjoyable. Needless to say, this made a very positive impression.

And so at some point our friendship became a relationship. And at some point we became engaged. For the romantics out there, again I have to disappoint. There was no proposal. It was simply something we discussed and agreed to. In fact, initially Caroline wanted to get married far more than I did. I held the view that it didn’t matter. But, not for the first time, I am glad to have been proven wrong. For, from the time we got married, I have never regretted it, but instead have often been very grateful.

For without a doubt, I feel so privileged to not only have had Caroline in my life, but to have lived with her for so many years.

As I have already mentioned, Caroline had her fair share of problems. Not long after we got together, she developed abscesses that seemed to take forever to clear up. Indeed, the resulting ill health delayed our getting married. As Caroline needed to have good health to be able to enjoy not only the wedding but also the honeymoon.

She had a checkered employment history, working for a number of different employers. But no matter what problems she had, she remained positive and quickly picked herself up and found another position.

The undoubted low point was the ignominious end of L.J. Rushton. Caroline had the unenviable experience of waking up one morning to find that her employer had ceased trading, she was not going to be paid, and when she went to claim benefits, that the proprietor of that business had not paid the National Insurance contributions of his employees for two years. This truly was the adding of insult to injury, and as you can imagine, this was a terrible time for Caroline.

And yet even from there, the positive can be drawn that it lead Caroline to enter employment with her final employers. And I want to make special mention of just how wonderful that employer has been, especially from the time when Caroline was first diagnosed as having cancer.

So I would like to take the opportunity to thank all at the Lloyds Banking Group. My only regret is that Caroline only came to be employed there so late in her career. I cannot praise everyone at Lloyds highly enough. They have been so supportive: far beyond what I would have expected.

And so we come to the cancer that finally defeated Caroline. It was a long, slow, exhausting experience for both of us. Yet throughout it all, I never heard Caroline bemoan her fate or grumble at all. In fact Caroline was remarkable for how high she kept her spirits, right up to the end.

It was a long and difficult process. Caroline loved to exercise, being a keen member of what used to be called the Black Lion (Medway Park Leisure Centre). She would go most days; before work on weekdays. And she made many friends there. But once she got cancer, that sadly changed. And though Caroline did her best, so many problems got in the way.

Obviously, there was the initial treatment through the autumn of 2014. But even after that, problems with the PEG tube (Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy) she had fitted, which kept flaring up with infection after infection, kept her out of the pool. And given how much she liked to swim, that was a blow she felt keenly. Eventually she had the PEG tube taken out, and life returned to normal. But sadly not for long.

Her regular checkups at the Oncology Unit of Maidstone Hospital started to indicate something was wrong in April 2016. But it took many tests before it was clear her cancer had returned in September of that year.

The only consolation was that the diagnosis was revealed only after our last holiday together: on the lovely island of Madeira. For on our return, Caroline got the news, and sadly her health deteriorated rapidly from that point on. As an aside, it may be unusual to be grateful to be made redundant. But I was made redundant in the same week that Caroline received her diagnosis. And that really was a blessing in disguise, as I received a payoff. If that had not happened, I would have had to quit my job anyway, but without the payment. Small mercies indeed.

For once Caroline got the bad news, I knew from how difficult I had found it during her first course of treatment that I couldn’t keep working while also giving Caroline the support she needed. For myself, this was not much of a decision: more just doing what needed to be done.

The following months were very difficult because her oncological team could not locate the site of the cancer (it took the best part of 6 months). She had two panendectomies (biopsies from within her throat), but they came back negative. Only when they did a scan of the base of her skull, did we find out the terrible truth. The cancer was in an area which was too dangerous to biopsy, let alone operate. And due to the treatment Caroline had the first time, there was little scope for additional radiotherapy.

All that was left was chemotherapy. But by this time, Caroline had become very sick and much weaker than before the first course of treatment. Worse, Caroline had developed a most unfortunate symptom. Nerve damage had resulted in one of her vocal muscles getting stuck open. This meant that she couldn’t speak at above a whisper, and even that was difficult to do for long. But worse, she couldn’t eat or drink without much of it going down the wrong way, flooding her lungs and risking infection. And so Caroline had another PEG tube fitted, though this one was without the troubles that accompanied the first one.

For her first course of treatment, Caroline had managed it herself. I had been supportive but stayed very much in the background. The second time round however, Caroline needed me to play an equal part in her treatment. She often asked me to speak for her, and I took complete control of her medication.

And thus under the most distressing of circumstances, we at least got to spend a lot of time together for the final months. And still, even after the news that there was no cure, and her being put under palliative care, Caroline didn’t complain, didn’t bemoan her fate, and remained far more cheerful than anyone could possibly expect.

From the vibrant and active Caroline of just a few years before, she became practically bed bound. She collapsed on several occasions, often when there was no one there to catch her. She got admitted to hospital on four occasions, and spent three spells in the Wisdom Hospice, prior to that last spell. Caroline hated the spells in hospital, discharging herself on one occasion. And though she recognised the need for the spells in the hospice, she could never wait to leave.

Yet, if there as a better patient, I find it hard to imagine. Her symptoms were so often dreadful. And still she kept her spirits up.

It is a recognised behaviour for people to remember more recent events disproportionately. With Caroline, I remember the first and last years most memorably, for opposite reasons. The first years for all the things we did, and the last years for obvious reasons. But through all that time, the constant was how wonderful Caroline was, and how proud I am now to think that she spent that time with me.

I would like to make special thanks to the wonderful staff at:

Our doctor’s surgery (Red Suite, Rainham Healthy Living Centre);

Boots Pharmacy in the precinct in Rainham;

Wisdom Hospice, Rochester;

And the many medical professionals who did their best to address the cancer.