Doreen Gardener (8 Dec 1927 - 7 May 2017)

In loving memory of Doreen Gardener who sadly passed away on 7th May 2017, aged 89 years. The family have requested no black be worn, as the service will be a celebration of her life. If you wish to make a donation in Doreen's memory these will be sent to either The High dependency Respiratory Ward (cheques payable to 'Portsmouth Hospital Charity') at Queen Alexandra hospital, or 'Arthritis Research UK'. Donations can be made through this page, or sent via Ruby Funerals. Any enquiries please call 02392501128

Remembering Mum

These are a few words written by Carol and Mike as we remember their Mum, Doreen.
At the forefront of their thoughts, is that they want memories of Doreen to be a celebration. The Mum that they knew was loving, good humoured, good natured, kind, thoughtful and always ready to laugh at herself as much as share in fun with others – young and old alike. Whilst there is an inevitable sadness, actually the facts are that whether as Mum, Grannie, Auntie, Mother in Law, Friend, we all had Doreen for longer than any of us could have hoped - against a background of a body that frustrated her as it started to fail some years ago. But if her body was a source of frustration to her, it combined to steel her determination to battle and to be there for her family and her friends. Despite her aches and pains, Doreen gave everything she could to every relationship. Her reward was the affection of all who knew her and in particular, seeing her grandchildren, Katie, Innes, Freya and Evie, develop and grow into bright, vibrant teenagers. Knowing that her family, with Jacqueline and Keith alongside Mike and Carol, are settled, healthy and on a bright path for the future, was the satisfaction that enabled her to finally relax and allow the tiredness of 89 well lived years to take hold.
So, what are the essential elements and memories of that life well lived?
Born in Sparkbrook, Birmingham, Doreen was the adored daughter of loving Mum and Dad, John and Beatrice Haynes, who had previously lost an infant son. Doreen always spoke lovingly of her childhood despite losing both parents at a young age. Her experiences shaped her great joy in her own children and grand-children. Doreen told of a childhood that delighted in what we may now consider simpler joys of life: enjoying reading, writing, having sweets and comics and going on family picnics, although as for so many, the second world war provided a sombre back drop for her teenage years. She spoke of her own Dad as a loving, kind man who as a publican would hold parties and invite local children who were less fortunate. His loss caused Doreen a great deal of grief however, we can see that her own generosity was inherited from him. A great and enduring aspect of Doreen’s life was the arrival of her orphaned cousin Floss, to live with her and her Mum. The two developed bonds as close as any sisters, enjoying dances, the cinema and going out together to the local youth club. Doreen felt that she was the ‘goody two shoes’ of the pair and Floss was the cheeky one. In Beatrice’s last years, a teenage Doreen found herself nursing her own Mum, which she carried out with great care, patience and tenderness. She missed her Mum terribly although as a difficult experience it developed her own view of growing old. She would frequently tell Carol and Mike that she had no desire to be a burden.
As wartime ended, Doreen met David and theirs became an enduring love and partnership. Married in September 1948, both worked hard to afford a home whilst at the same time ensuring they left some time for fun. Initially living with Beatrice until she passed away, they also spent a good deal of time with David’s Mum and with Floss and her husband, Terry. Music, particularly the ‘Big Bands’ of the time were a favourite, as was playing cards. Holidays were an expense not always taken however, several continental motoring trips did punctuate the 1950’s with hilarious results as unreliable, second hand cars typically carried as many spare parts as holiday items.
Diligent saving enabled David and Doreen to move to a new pride and joy home in Dorridge, near Solihull in 1956. Floss and Terry could be found living on the same road, together with David’s Mum, Sister Jeanne and family and many new, life-long friends including the Newtons, with whom going out and spending Christmases together became a happy normality.
Subsequently, in support of a career move for David, Doreen found herself moving to a small village outside Bristol called Pill. In notes of her own memories, Doreen has written that Dorridge and Pill were happy homes for her as it was here that Mike and Carol were born.
No sooner did the now completed family appear settled however, than a new adventure presented itself for Doreen, as David was asked to move to West Yorkshire. The move to Guiseley, near Leeds, presented many new and exciting opportunities that the girl from Birmingham could never possibly have foreseen. As David’s career provided rich rewards and experiences for the family, so also it meant that he was travelling extensively in the UK and abroad. Doreen’s answer was to learn to drive so that she could ensure she and her children were never confined by public transport. Not only could they explore the Yorkshire area and get out for walks and picnics but they could also visit Floss and the rest of the family and friends in the Midlands. Doreen found herself new, firm friends – Anne and Richard Petty, Sue Burdett – and with her sense of fun and passion to ensure everyone around was having a good time she became as much a friend to Carol and Mike’s growing band of chums as they were themselves. Embracing new found continental recipes, especially from Italy, Doreen would throw herself into cooking for dinner parties as well as ensuring that the home larder was always well stocked. Support for David was an important aspect of Doreen’s life – whether being at his side at work related dinner dances, where getting up on the dance floor took her back to her youth; or providing catering for frequent weekends away at motor racing events that were a part of his job. Other new friendships were formed, not just close to home – The Barnes’, Dormers, Proberts and Wilkes to name but a few and Doreen would take great pride in ensuring that she retained as much contact as possible until the end of her life. And of course, support for Carol and Mike and letting them go to grow their own lives whilst just keeping a motherly eye on them was critical for Doreen.
Retirement for Doreen and David saw more new experiences. Travel, through Europe and the USA, Cruises and even a flight on Concorde, all added up to a full life far removed from an upbringing that had seen extremes of happiness and sadness. And yet a further plan, as they decided that a move to the south coast and a milder climate would be beneficial in moderating the effects of the arthritis that was now taking hold of Doreen. Fresh excitement, new friends and above all the arrival of, in turn, Katie, Innes, Freya and Evie. With great sadness however, it was David’s unexpected ill health and passing that led to the next great punctuation mark in Doreen’s life. Far from withdrawing into herself, Doreen threw herself into her new set of friendships and experiences. Carol and Keith encouraged her to move into her own room with them from where she could both be looked after but also embark on new adventures. Among her first projects was to take the family to Lapland to see Santa and the Northern Lights. Riding a snowmobile was one of her personal targets but presented only a small challenge when compared to everyone else attempting to get a giggling 70 something into an arctic survival suit. When Floss was also widowed, more holiday projects followed, including The Orient Express. The subsequent tale of Mum shoving Floss onto a top bunk could barely be related by either without gales of laughter. Being amongst those younger than herself was always an important feature – whether Carol’s friends or those of Katie and Evie. It all certainly helped in keeping her mind young as did a new-found addiction for the puzzle pages in The Times or card games with a circle of true friends – Dot, Freda, Sue and Brian from Friends Club, the Townswomen’s Guild, and other companions who visited, helped her and took joy in Doreen’s sense of fun – Kerry, Terry, nurse Julie. Tracy Moran and family, Tracey Clem, the dance mums, all the kids at Kermel – who gave her a noughties update by referring kindly to her as ‘Dozza’, And apologies to all those others who we may have missed . Modern technology was embraced and the joy of texting to keep in touch was not lost on Doreen. Although a first, incomplete text message was invariably followed with another – ‘oh sugar. I pressed the wrong tit and sent it before I meant to….’ And she continued to provide laughs – usually inadvertent – from which she would never shy away by being quiet or trying to cover something up. Carol recently recounted how her Mum in a café stood up only for a pair of loose fitting trousers to crumple around her ankles. No hiding or covering up. Rather giggles and a loudish ‘ooh look, my trousers fell down’. If young Doreen was ‘the goody two shoes’ she led us to believe, then growing old disgracefully was just fine by her. ‘Gin and Tonic Mum?’ ‘Ooh yes, I think so.’
Schools, teachers and mentors have in recent times developed sayings such as ‘Be the best you can be’. Well long before such thoughts became commonplace, Doreen decided that she would be the best that she could be. Best wife. Best Mum. Best Grannie. Best Friend. Circumstances may sometimes have been tough. But that was just another reason for Doreen, Mum, to dig in and ensure that she was there to add a little bit more life for her family and friends. Truly, a life well lived.